Back Me Into a Corner, Best Believe I’m Going to Fight…

· I've got the eye of a tiger and you're going to hear me roooooar :) ·

January 18, 2016 0 Comments

Before I get back to cleaning my house, I thought I would spill some letters onto my digital canvas. Also, 19 days without Facebook (and counting). Thought I would blog.... visit my site and subscribe :)

Just as the title suggests, I have been backed into a corner. Didn’t some people get the memo that 2016 is going to be my year? Albeit one facet of my life right now, this will be and is going to be my year. Because I said so and will make it so……I’m taking some college courses, going to divorce unhealthy food and get into a comfortable shape, finishing projects around the house, and things with mister will blossom and we’ll live a happy life together. I will not let anything or anyone stand in the way of my happiness.

12547349_1011209115612030_994386530_nI’ve been shit on by a lot of horrible people much of my life; it’s as if some people have this innate asshole gene, where being nice is just out of the question. I don’t understand it. Everything I do in my life involves passion, thought, my heart and soul. Although I can be spontaneous and whimsical in nature, when it comes to what is important in life – I’m very dedicated and serious. I don’t make it about me – but more so, the long-term, with the interests of others in mind. (Granted, when I was a brand new 20-something in the work force it was all about me changing the world without taking the big picture into view…..I’ve grown. I’m allowed) So anyway, when someone tries to destroy what I have helped build, then I become like a protective momma bear. And this momma bear is tired of being told to shut up and color. When I have legitimate concerns and/or when things have been pointed out which are obviously potentially virulent, if not already fully corrupt in nature, then I expect a certain level of action. Now, expect is such a heavy word, right? Perhaps for some. But when it comes to doing the right thing, then expecting someone to follow-up with the appropriate corrective action has a certain level of normalcy. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, but it’s always the right thing.

ANyone who knows me also knows that I am not one to sit idly by and let things happen. SEE something, SAY something. I think maybe I was John Paul Jones in a past life, lol.

“I have not yet begun to fight!”

This has been my mantra for the past month or so. Speaking of past lives, I’ll change topics… so I had a reading by a medium, which was amazing. It definitely opened my eyes to a lot of things – and gave me faith to continue in the directions I need to in order to align my soul with my human self. You’re probably thinking, what the fuck? And now you’re thinking, why did she just curse? Ok, so for a long time I have did things to satisfy my human needs, but not make my inner self happy. FOr example – getting into shitty relationships or fuckships just to validate that I mean something to someone, even if it’s just for a couple minutes. I was never promiscuous, by definition, but hooked up with enough guys, who in turn made me feel very cheap about myself. Instead of looking for someone who would complement me, I got with the first guy who’d give me attention. Regretfully, a couple of those guys, I thought, were something special. THeir actions proved otherwise, and they instead validated my feelings for mister. You see, when you have had nothing but horrible relationships and a guy finally comes around who treats you with respect, you freak out. I didn’t know how to act. But he complements me, completes me, makes me happy from within. He saw a part of me no one else took the time to get to know. So short story long, I discarded my human needs and sought after something(one) more meaningful. He was there all along, but I doubted his intentions. Besides, the timing was not right. But now I feel that things are going in a great direction – if only I could learn to walk instead of run. ๐Ÿ™‚

Okay, back to the medium. If you don’t believe in mediums, that’s fine. No judgment from me whether you do or not. But I do. She completed an angel-spirit guide reading, and I was taken aback by the gentleman who came through for me. She said that he was very adamant about getting a message to me, but adamant in a nice way. He was a young man in his 20s, clean-cut, thin, and a gentle guy. I didn’t have a single clue who it could have been until he told her I needed to complete a philosophical lobotomy on myself and finally cut the chords of the negative energy. Then I asked if he was from the Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. She said she was getting a strong indication that was where he was from. I guess I picked him up when I did a tour there – being an empath, I felt soooo many strong connections – both sad and happy. She said he told her that he was attracted to my gentle, serene soul – that I’m beyond physical beauty (he told her I don’t like being called beautiful, which is true. I think physical beauty is superficial), I’m deep, philosophical, kind, and a few other things that I was humbled by. He also told her I’m in a very vulnerable state and she needed to be kind to me, which I had to smile at that. He told her that I constantly take an inventory of everything I’ve done wrong, my shortcomings, my mistakes, my failures, things I could have done better, etc. Which is true to the core. Which is why he suggested a figurative lobotomy. ๐Ÿ™‚ Anyway, I could go on and on about it. It was a very neat experience. ย Over the summer I had a gentleman tell me I am a healer and should channel my talents into a facet of the metaphysical world – or just expand my knowledge in essential oils. So I am going to do that. Get into crystals, pendulum work, dowsing, herbal remedies, and just spiritual healing. I have always been at one with nature and maybe that means something. I’ve always felt so different and detached, have maybe connections with people around the world but superficially. And I don’t mean that in a negative way, but just that…. ah, can’t explain. Like with mister, I feel deep levels of familiarity, depth, connections on so many levels. I don’t know where this is going, so moving on…

But this will prove beneficial for my physical, emotional, and mental health. Eat better. Live better. Love better.

Just so tired of negative people. Ugh. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. But on the other hand, I am. I know I am doing the right thing. I will stand strong and true by my convictions. And if no one else can see that things are very wrong, then that’s something on their conscious. I will sleep well at night knowing that integrity will not fail me. It might lose me a battle or too, but you can only sweep shit under a rug for so long before others start to notice. I will present myself professionally and calmly and will even reveal every card in my hand.

Some of you are probably scratching your heads, wondering what could possibly be going on. I wish I could explain, but I cannot here. As much as part of me wants to initiate some sort of vendetta or smear campaign, the bigger part of me knows that matters such as this need to be handled with respect, as least from my end. I cannot speak for others. *sigh*

Jessica Mariella

Amateur Photographer. Nature Enthusiast. Traveler. Foodie. Green-eyed girl with a big heart from Aschaffenburg, Bavaria.