And there's a battle within
That I'll never win.
'cause it's me that I'm up against.
It's my heart versus common sense..........
Tomorrow I will drive a few hours into the woods. This has been planned since Dec/Jan and it snuck up on me. The only time I plan on connecting to the digital world is for my teleconference Wednesday afternoon. No personal phone. Nothing. So badly I just want to disconnect from the world, to fall within the crevices of the memories.
I don’t know if I feel mad, sad, confused…what I’d really like to feel is nothing at all. To be numb, enveloped in the darkness that absorbs me. The one person I felt closest to has
just thrown me off an emotional cliff. One day he calls me and is seemingly jovial on the phone. Then two days later…
I hope you experience the same symptoms I have been consumed by. I hope your heart is broken in the same spots as mine, and the wounds as deep. I hope you experience endless, restless nights due to the very thought of me. I hope that when the winds whisper my name that you remember the hole you left. I want to know I am not the only one hurting here. That you have some sort of humanity running through your body. As I sit here crying. Typing. I want to know that I meant something to you. I know how you feel about me, which makes all of this even more confusing. Why push someone away when you feel the way you do?
I know you’re damaged. So am I. You understand me. You didn’t try to solve me like some fucking Rubik’s cube. YOu saw the rawest, most broken parts of me…and liked it. You didn’t try to change me. You didn’t try to fix me. You accepted me as I was and didn’t ask me to reveal more than I felt comfortable. I know you’re going through a lot. Blocking out everyone around you will only create a vacuum. But I get it, you’re just like me. Stubborn. I don’t like people helping me. I don’t like feeling vulnerable.
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve picked up my phone to text you. To call you. But didn’t. And I won’t.
I know this is a public forum to express what’s going on, but I don’t care. I want people to know why I don’t return messages or answer the phone. I just don’t want to right now. I am hurting so much inside. I don’t want to answer anything else not covered in this entry. So, please don’t. I won’t be on Facebook. I won’t answer Facebook messenger. I just want to forget the world for a bit.
Engage High Walls. The highest fucking walls sad memories can build. Impenetrable. So keep your trojan horse of concern away. (I just wanted to write the word trojan, after using the word impenetrable. I’m weird. Just go with it).
I think this is a good point in my life to concentrate on things near and dear to me. FIx myself. Fix my house. COntinue my education. Work out more. WOrk on my novels. Just anything to escape the ghost of you.
I don’t like it when my sunshine is tampered with. My life has never been a parade of rainbows, but damn it L.
We met under very unique circumstances – like a one in a million chance, the kind of way people make movies about. You made me feel like ME again – a feeling I had since lost years ago. YOu made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve shared stuff with you I haven’t with anyone else, and I know there’s a little lady out there probably a little pissed that she doesn’t know some of the things I’ve told you. There’s no one else like you in the world. Which is probably a good thing. Because one man as stubborn as you is enough. Pffft.
You are the most selfless person I have ever met, which is your greatest quality and your tragic flaw. You never do anything for yourself. So many people rely on you. I get it. I’m very much the same way. But you are doing more damage to yourself by doing everything for everyone…. but you.
THis is the last post I write about you in this context. Just know I think of you, even though right now you don’t deserve it.
i was too much
and not enough
for a man
who was everything
at all. ~jk