Baby Don’t Hurt Me, Don’t Hurt Me, No More…

· Let it all go.......... ·

June 10, 2016 0 Comments

I've been sleepless at night
'Cause I don't know how I feel
I've been waiting on you
Just to say something real

13315386_1012418055521832_3805523889209894629_nI should be excited that today is Friday, but I work this weekend – so, it’s really like my Tuesday. These past two weeks have left me exhausted beyond accepted reasoning. I feel detached from my body. Ever have one of those out of body experiences?

I have had a lot on my mind, but what’s new? I have been trying to remove my heart from a position of authority in my decision-making. However, no luck there. My brain is totally subordinate to my heart.

Just when I had cut the ties between someone and me, he came rushing in with a force. He is like the ebb and flow of the tide. I can handle the high tide where he envelops me in his thoughts and feelings. It’s the low tide that leaves me bereft, wanting more, wondering what happened. I do not fancy the low tide.

It’s been low tide for a few days again.

Might as well drown me.

Because that’s what it feels like.

It’s during low tide my mind wanders to people it shouldn’t. Well, a person I think to myself, do I feel the way I do about this person because of his unavailability or because of the essence of him? Strip away the excitement, the longing, the waiting, the teasing… and it’s him I like, not the thrill of the chase, the hunt.

I’m single. I should be sewing my oats. Can women sew oats or is that a man thing? Have my oats sewn? Whatever, I should be putting myself out there. But I can’t. I have no desire beyond superficial flirting to wear my heart on my proverbial sleeve. I feel like you lose your value the more you share. Does that make sense?

So, if I made myself vulnerable to you, whether physically or emotionally, feel special. There is only one instance in the past 3 years I totally regret. He was controlling and manipulative. He caught me at a point in my life where I was wounded. And he saw a moment of vulnerability and pounced.

I exhibit a bubbly, outgoing personality so people assume I am very open about myself, that way they don’t prod with invasive questions. Yes, I have just revealed my hand. As if you could figure me out anyway. I’ve spent most of my life behind a facade. So, masking my emotions is like breathing. I digress…

So. Yea. I am basically lost/confused – in case this chaotic word spillage didn’t make that obvious. I’ve been doing some research, with the following comparison from this website – between soul mates and life partners. I feel like that a certain person fits both these roles, but not necessarily all the characteristics.

Soulmate Relationship

  • You feel a deep, spiritual connection to this person almost like you have known them for a long time.
  • You have flashbacks or deja vu moments where you feel that you have been together before.
  • You seem to understand each other and have a similar way of thinking.
  • You may have similar flaws or habits, or you both had similar challenges during childhood.
  • Your connection is intense and so too is the relationship. Often it can move from extreme highs to extreme lows.
  • You feel in sync with each other even when you are not physically together. There may be a feeling of having to team up together to conquer something.
  • You know intuitively what the other is thinking or feeling. You feel very in-tune and connected with their thoughts and actions.
  • Your relationship is emotional, challenging and can bring things out in you that you didn’t know existed.
  • You may experience huge shifts and changes in your life when you first meet this person.
  • Your relationship may not last forever but the love is always there.

Life Partner Relationship

  • You feel attracted to each other physically and resonate with each others values.
  • You enjoy getting to know each other and learn about your differences and similarities- everything about each other feels new and exciting.
  • You get along like best friends- your relationship does not suffer from extremes. I feel like it’s hot and cold right now.
  • Your relationship is based on logical or intellectual decisions.
  • You resonate with each others beliefs, ideas or religion/philosophy.
  • You both feel a sense of financial and emotional stability by being together.
  • Your relationship is based on being physically present and creating new memories.
  • You feel the need to marry or start a family in order to ‘cement’ your relationship

I don’t think I quite agree with this site’s characteristics of a life partner relationship. But whatever. He just drives me nuts – mostly because my walls come down when I’m near him. And I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I do but I don’t. I am so not used to men treating me with any ounce of respect. I’ll go back to the California weekend…………… it’s incredibly rare for a guy to ask me out to dinner, let alone plan a whole weekend together. It freaks me the fuck out when someone treats me well. If they don’t ask for nude photos right away, I think there’s something wrong with them.

That rationale is completely backwards. I should think something is wrong with them when they ask for nude photos right off the bat. How sad.

This blog post is all over the place and I am going to jump again, so hold on…. traits I look for in a significant other:
– sense of humor: I love laughing. If a guy can’t laugh at life and have fun, then I don’t want them. Do you have to be a stand-up comedian or veteran joke teller? No. Just be a goof ball. I like that.
– have a sense of adventure: there are plenty nights where’d I’d just rather lounge on the couch and block out the world. I also have wander lust. I want to see so many parts of the world.
– embrace knowledge: there is never a point in any of our lives where we know absolutely everything. I have a thirst for knowledge. History. Science. Anything. Everything. Let’s learn.
– be an animal person: animals are part of who I am. If you have an aversion to animals, then you are not for me. Do you have to like them all? No, just don’t abuse them.
– be a family-man: I went on a date with a man who bashed his parents the whole time. That’s so unattractive. Love and appreciate your family!
– have ambition: never settle for mediocrity. have dreams. Chase them. Set goals. Achieve them. I’m not saying you have to win the Nobel Prize.
– respect my space: I can be a total clinger, but once in a while for absolutely no reason at all I will need to isolate myself from the world. I’ll respect your space too.
– engage in open, honest communication: I am intuitive and a detective, so it’s in your interest to be honest. I find out everything eventually, and I won’t tell you I know. In turn, you’ll get my honesty.
– have a kind soul: do you treat others well? Do you poke fun at the less fortunate? Be kind.

Well that’s a few. My eyes are burning. ENough chaotic blogging for tonight. xoxo


Jessica Mariella

Amateur Photographer. Nature Enthusiast. Traveler. Foodie. Green-eyed girl with a big heart from Aschaffenburg, Bavaria.