We can't choose where we come from, but we can choose where to go from here.....
It’s been a while since I’ve succumbed to the desire to write. I have an insufferable migraine tonight. I feel like I am repeatedly being stabbed in the head. So, what better way to take my mind off the physical pain, then by traversing the emotional corridors, perhaps stumbling into emotionally charged potholes. I wrote the below entry 26 May from the airport….I didn’t finish it, so somewhere in the middle it picks up to current time…..
It’s 4 a.m. in the Sacramento airport. I’m feeling bittersweet – the comfort of my own bed will be nice, but I don’t want to leave. Multiple roads beckon me. I feel torn in half. I have 2 hours until my flight boards, so I shall recount the past 2 weeks…First, however, I must mention that those automatic toilets need to seriously calm their tits. You blink and they flush on you. Rude AF.
I trained two great guys in Warner Robins. Everything that could have gone wrong with equipment did. But they kept a positive attitude the whole time, which was nice. Other than the shooting in my hotel, it was a fun time. I’d never been to Warner Robins; I had heard a bunch of negative comments. I think a place is what you make of it. If you go in with a negative attitude, you’re going to have a bad time. Ate some good food.
And California was a blast, to say the least. I landed in Sacramento late Friday morning. I loaded my bags in my sweet red Camaro convertible and headed to my destination. That weekend was one I won’t soon forget, probably because of the great company. It was nice to be in the company of a man who makes you feel desired. It’s exactly what I needed. Saturday was amazing. Then on Sunday, wander lust took us to Muir Woods. HOwever, he took a detour to Mission San Rafael archangel – founded in 1817. The church was so beautiful! He gave me the history on the missions and made me want to learn more. THen we arrived at Muir just in time! As we finished a lap, buses were dropping people off in hoards. The place felt incredibly serene, peaceful. The air was so fresh. Smelled like Heaven. The trees were so tall! Beautiful Redwoods! I think he said they were coastal redwoods. I loved touching the massive wood! ha.
Sunday was amazing. Calaveras Big Trees Park…animal fries at In-and-Out Burger…. him. You know what sucks? Spending time with someone you know there is no future with. Not that they’re a bad person. Not that you don’t want a future. But just time and circumstance. This guy – his smile. His eyes. His laugh. Everything about him. It’s impossible to be in a bad mood around him. He’s hilarious. He’s very attractive. I’ll probably never see him again, but the time together rejuvenated something in me and I won’t forget that.
So you’re wondering how did I go from being in love in one post to spending time with someone else? Simple. The guy I’m in love with is an idiot. And I hope he reads this. You go through shit in life and isolate yourself, rather than let someone in to be there for you. Letting someone in is not weakness. Making yourself vulnerable to another person is the bravest fucking thing you can do in the world. Shutting yourself out…building walls….. that’s the coward’s way. The worst part is when you know how someone feels about you, but they want to be a stubborn ass. A weekend in California was exactly what I needed. FOr that very moment, even if just for 48 hours, I felt desired. I didn’t have to try, didn’t have to prove my worth. It was what it was and I wish it didn’t have to end, but such is life. Don’t worry about who he is. I’m not going to kiss and tell. He was a nice distraction and I’ll leave it at that.
I’ve chased a few guys since being single and they’ve all ended in heartache. The weirdest part was that no one had the decency to officially end things. As if I wouldn’t find out. You change your status on Facebook. Or a friend tells me something he sees. Then when things don’t work on your dating site or what-have-you, you come back to me? No. I’m not a consolation prize. I may have had little-to-no self-esteem or self-worth in the past. But not anymore.
I think my problem is that I don’t want to grow close to anyone, so I make up reasons to push them away. I am a contradiction of myself. I want the deepest kind of connection two people can share. Then I freak out. It’s just tough when, for the past 13 years, one guy after the next destroys you. Much of my younger adult life I thought it was better to be with a shitty person then to be alone. I’m not narcissistic by any means, but I’m a terribly nice and sweet person. So it’s a little mind-boggling when people treat me so poorly. But seriously…I’m open-minded, understanding, I love helping people…..I try keep a positive attitude at all times. Etc etc etc. No false fronts. This is who I am. I guess there are just bad people out there. Shame on me for allowing it to happen, I suppose. Ugh, rambling on with sad, whiny words. My iPod has been playing sad, slow music. I suppose my writing is reflecting that…
To keep my mind busy, I’ve been remodeling the shit out of my bathroom. Photos will be posted later. I ripped up my floor, tore down my shower panels, primered, painted, sanded, hung up some stuffs. A few other things.
It’s late. I’ll end this by writing this – to the incredible man I spent the weekend in California with ….thank you for being amazing and being exactly what I needed.