I’m Wide Awake

· i wish i knew then what i know now ·

June 4, 2016 2 Comments

It's time for an introspective journey.....

WHat a long, but very fun day. Started the day yard sale-ing with Courtnay. I was pleased to find a few items – vintage gumyardsaleball machine, vintage chandelier and a couple of old books. I am just so drawn to older objects – including men, lol. I feel so connected. I suppose this whole empath thing causes me to pick up on all the energies attached to these treasures. Or it’s the old soul in me reminiscing. Whatever the reason, I am slowly filling my house with more and more old items.


I love, love, love my vintage book collection. I’m starting to build quite a stash of books from the 1800s and early 1900s. Currently, the oldest item in my house is my hymn scroll from the 1400/1500s. Eek! I love my old mirrors. So many cool and peculiar little trinkets.

After lunch at the Greek place, I came home and debated being lazy or doing something. I managed to summon enough energy to mow my front yard. In a matter of days a jungle emerged out front. When I witnessed a tiger chasing a gorilla through my front yard, I figured the grass was in need of a cut. lol. ๐Ÿ™‚

I have about 2-3 carloads of items to donate to the salvation army and the animal shelter. So, I’d like to donate those items sometime hopefully this week. I’ve been sooooo busy. So behind on so much.

I need/want to knock out my last 2 college courses so I can get both associates degrees. Then I want to start working on my bachelors degree. I want to get my CISSP or CISM, CCNA, CEH, GSEC and maybe a few others. I want to complete my NCOA. I want to finish and publish my three novels. I want to work toward SES. I will accomplish my goals, not by pushing others out of the way or by compromising my integrity, but, rather, building up those around me, while bettering myself in the process. I see a handful of leaders making decisions I feel aren’t the best, decisions that are misinformed, etc. I feel that once you’re so high up in an organization, some get detached from the “real world.” So if I could surround myself with like-minded individuals, then maybe I can make a change. I don’t want to lie or fuck my way to the top. But get there through hard work and dedication, by caring. These ideals may reek of utopic desire, but one can dream…..

But on the real, I don’t like being misguided, lied to, pushed in a corner. I think good workers should be empowered. We make laws to protect the stupid and I think a lot of organizations make decisions to make the 1 or 2 complainers happy. Ok, enough discussion on my “perfect world.”

I have been working mostly diligently on my master bathroom. I initially starting the demolition, err I mean remodeling process in either the fall of 2012 or the spring of 2013. What started out as just a paint job has turned into so much more. A week ago while plagued with insomnia after guzzling a Rockstar drink, I decided to paint/primer my walls, rip up the bathroom floor, rip out the shower surround panels. I was up until 2 A.M.. I made some jewelry holders. I hung up some art. Next on the list, I believe, is cutting out the dry wall around the showers so I can then install the cement board. Then prep the surface for installing the tile. I am NOT looking forward to installing the tile. I’ve never done it before, but have been doing a lot of research and asking around, gathering advice from friends. I’ve always been one to rush. Rush with everything. I need to take my time with this task. I need to take my time through life in general.

I’ve been losing sleep over a lot lately. Mostly things out of my control. It’s been incredibly hard not to text L. I want to. I miss him. I don’t know how things got this way when just a month or so ago they were on cloud 9. I hate that he has locked me out, but I simply cannot wait around for what may or may not ever happen. The handsome distraction I had in California was just perfect. I know that there is no future with him since our lives are on two completely different courses, so I didn’t have a reason to fret where it was going. I could just let go and enjoy the moment. I do long to spend more evenings in his company. I need to not think about him. But it’s difficult. He brings a smile to my face. If things were different, he’d be someone I’d want to get to know more. And if things were different, I hope he’d feel the same.

For now, I am not opening my heart up to anyone. I have no desire to at this time. Anytime I did, I was used or unappreciated. I thought the language of love was universal, but now I think that mine is just too foreign. Like my love is a language no one understands.

So I cling to dead-end possibilities and stale hope of what could be, rather than accepting reality for what it is, and what it is not.

And life is too damn short to surrender to mediocre feelings. I think a lot of people give up, become complacent in their own lives. THey accept the love (or lack thereof) that they think they deserve. THey stay in unhealthy relationships because they can’t see the open door right in front of them. Or maybe they do. But they’re afraid to walk alone.

I’ve walked through that door plenty of times and come out mostly unscathed. I’ve had some fucked up things happen to me that most people don’t know about. Did I survive? Yes. I don’t know why I am mumbling. I am listening to some chill instrumentals and engaging in some sort of “free-writing” exercise. A total disregard for spelling, grammar, punctuation, fluidity of thoughts….

I shall enact a cease and desist on this rambling and share photos of my bathroom progress…..


The paint flavor of the walls, I believe, is “beach sparkle.”jewelry2jewelry


Ah, progress…………….


Jessica Mariella

Amateur Photographer. Nature Enthusiast. Traveler. Foodie. Green-eyed girl with a big heart from Aschaffenburg, Bavaria.


  1. Reply


    June 11, 2016

    Hello, I check your blogs on a regular basis.
    Your humoristic style is witty, keep it up!

    • Reply

      Jessica Mariella

      June 20, 2016

      Thank you so much for the kind words!! ๐Ÿ™‚