Before You Date Me

July 11, 2016 0 Comments

Stay away from people who make you think you're hard to love...

…but what if that person is you? What if you’re easy to love, but you tell yourself you’re not…so you end up naturally pushing people away out of fear of being hurt? Yea, that’s some fucked up shit right there. If you’re new to my site, I curse. It’s my variation of being rebellious….Instead of saying H-E-double hockey sticks, I just say HELL. Yes, I’m such a deviant. 🙂

I thought of this entry last night sometimes in the wee hours of the night. I have no idea where I was going with it. So, this will be a partial thought. I’ll plant the seed and maybe it’ll come to me……….

Before you date me there are some things you should know…

1. Honesty is always the best policy. I recently had my heart ripped to pieces. The man whom I thought would be the one I walked into the sunset with lied to me. A big lie. A huge lie. And I found out on my own. That’s even worse. If you tell a lie and then admit to it later on, that’s still bad, but not as bad as you neglecting to tell me something and I find out for myself. You cannot hide anything from me. I plan on getting my degree in forensics. I’m a regular Sherlock Holmes. And I am good at reading people. I may let you on that I don’t have a clue, because I am hoping that you’ll come clean of your own free will. I don’t understand why it’s so damn hard to tell the truth. My ex husband and ex boyfriend unfortunately lied to me a lot and it was annoying. I’m not talking white lies. I’m talking major stuff here. If we were dating you could borrow my phone for the day, get on my social media profiles – whatever. I don’t care. I have nothing to hide from someone. I don’t get how people can use the same mouth to tell someone they love them and then lie to them later. Did you not think I would find out you’re married? Ugh, for Christ’s sake.

2. I am traditional when it comes to dating. I don’t need anything fancy. Honestly. But I do liked to be wooed and made to feel special. I’ve had a guy take me out once in the last two years or so. Just once. Apparently in a hook-up society, guys just want you in ways that benefit them. Sex. Taking a girl out to dinner or whatever just gets in the way of sex. Oh, I love sex. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it’s nice to feel appreciated. So for now, I’m just avoiding this arena entirely. However, should I stumble upon this again, dating is so simple. I’m complicatedly simple. Simply complex. Hmm. Both? Neither? I would rather a guy put effort into spending time with me than money. Money doesn’t impress me. I have my own. Time is what impresses me. Now there are some things that I don’t like – places that are super loud, crowded and/or have cigarette smoke. I get chronic migraines. Instead of dating a single mom with actual kids, I have my migraine as a dependent. More like a squatter. My migraine’s an asshole. But seriously, I have shared my time with a large handful of men who were less than worthy. Sending a dick pic is apparently the new ‘bouquet of flowers.’ Examples of some super amazing things I would like:

  • a trip to the zoo – I love animals. So anything that revolved around me getting to see or play with animals is a win. We could volunteer at a shelter. Whatever. Besides, animals are a good judge of character. So I could see if you’re the spawn of Satan. Two birds with one stone.
  • star-gazing – it’s on my bucket list to fill up a truck bed with pillows and blankets and just take in the view.
  • anything nerdy or naturesque – hiking, museums, kayaking, fishing, state parks – anything involving the outdoors.

3. I’m in it for the long-haul. I’m not a pit stop. I’m the destination. I know that’s a cliche saying from somewhere, but I’m too lazy to google it. I don’t do anything half-assed. Ok, that’s a lie. Sometimes I just ball my laundry into smaller balls because I just don’t feel like battling the linen demon that day. And I don’t rinse my dishes off before putting them into the dishwasher. I digress…I date someone because I see a potential to spend the rest of my life with you. Maybe we’ll only end up dating 1 year, but I’m not going to treat my time with you that way.

4. You’re dating my quirks. My nervousness. My giggles. My shenanigans. My inner child. My love for rocks. My love for all things innocent. My love for animals. My passion for humanity.

5. Most importantly…..if you date me, you’re dating all of me – the good qualities, but also the flaws, the insecurities. Oh, the good times will far outweigh the bad. But there will be bad times. I’m not a complete package. I’ve been returned a few times with pieces missing or broken. I was bent the wrong way, twisted, dropped, kicked. There will be times that I want to be completely left alone for no reason. Sometimes I cry just to cry. Occasionally I wake up at night screaming and/or crying. I’ve had some bad things done to me. I try to deal with them as best as I can. But not every day is perfect. I am not completely over my trust issues. My biological mother left in the middle of the night when I was 7 and my ex-husband left me…so I am trying to get over abandonment issues. Because of other things that happened to me, a certain smell, a certain sound – triggers. There are triggers that nudge the past and I may have a seemingly unexplained panic attack. But with all of that, I am the girl who will leave you love notes in your lunch or randomly in your coat pocket. I will want to cuddle with you most nights, but especially on rainy nights when the moon peaks through the black sky. I will want to watch cheesy movies with you. There will be days I wake up and want to spontaneous 10-mile hike. There will also be days I will want to do absolutely nothing with you. I will love you unconditionally and with the utmost loyalty.

But I am not ready to date. I am still in love with a man who chose to hurt me. And it will take time to reel my heart back in. It’s nothing personal. I just need time to heal. How much time will that be? A week? A month? A year? Who knows…..  but don’t rush me. Don’t try to fix me. Don’t try to solve me like a puzzle. The moment I start to feel suffocated, I will run….far away….and I won’t look back. Hey, if it’s meant to be…it will….when we’re ready.

In closing, you need to understand that I am damaged. I’m not just saying that. I’m not going to be able to trust you for a while – so many guys have cheated, left or chosen someone else over me. I’ll need reassurance. I’ll need to know that you’ll continue to choose me, in spite of my faults. I’m mostly happy, but I’m not always happy. ANd on the nights when I cry, just understand. If you’re not ready for that, don’t even try to win my heart………………

Jessica Mariella

Amateur Photographer. Nature Enthusiast. Traveler. Foodie. Green-eyed girl with a big heart from Aschaffenburg, Bavaria.