“I can’t control my destiny, I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be. There’s only now, there’s only here. Give in to love or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day but today.” ~ Johnathan Larson

 

The last few days have been incredibly busy. Oy. And I have been mostly anti-social. Yesterday, I had every intention of waking up today and accomplishing a laundry-list of items (laundry, included), but once my body woke up this morning, I felt quasi-dead. A heavy pain in my lower abdomen. A dull pain. However, I looked around my house, eyes fixating on the battling dust bunnies and overall disorganization, and decided to ignoring the sea urchins sword-fighting in my stomach and clean.

I threw in a movie for background noise. My amazon prime shipment of 30 movies came in, so I had a few classics, cult films, and cheesy flicks to choose from. Right now I have House of 1000 Corpses going on in the background. I managed to defeat three loads of laundry (ripping the cover of a couch cushion in the process, so I’ll have to sew that later. psh).

My living room, bedroom, and computer room have been completely GI’ed top-to-bottom. NO more dust bunnies. Ah, feel so organized. I wanted to tape off the dance room so I could paint the trim, but that adventure shall be saved for another day. While organizing and cleaning, I looked around my house with a weird sort of feeling of accomplishment. I cannot versify the feeling… ok, so it’s not my dream house, but it’s my house. This space is mine. THe renovations (demolitions) were all done by me. These photos on the wall were hung by me albeit they are still mostly empty frames that I will refill with memories.

Just a couple months ago I was overcome with grief when things with L didn’t work out. I was so excited at the idea of moving in together. I have only lived with my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend. I think living together made my relationship with my ex-boyfriend worse. He and I were just two totally different people. And my ex-husband was deployed more than half the year every year, so it was like living alone. SO anyway, I love my space. EVerything has it’s spot. I have three bedrooms to scatter my belongings. I come home, take my pants off and can do whatever I want. It’s going to take someone exceptional special for me to want to give that up.

I’m such a peculiar contradiction of myself. I strongly desire to share my life with someone, but I am so DONE with being hurt that I have been in this FUCK OFF mental state for a while. I’m 31 years old. Even though I am still young, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to waste time with someone who doesn’t take being with me seriously. I’m a little very reclusive, however, when the right man does walk into my life and manage the melt the icy walls surrounding me, he will be so incredibly spoiled by my affections. I am a huge hopeless romantic. And I miss being a hopeless romantic. I miss leaving little love notes in a man’s pants pockets. I miss greeting a man at the door and asking him how his day was. Ya, know?  I suppose the important thing is that I’m independent and don’t need a man to support me. I won’t be getting into my next relationship out if a fear of being alone, because I think I need to, or any other non-flattering reason. It will be because I want to share and build a life with another person.

But when I am ready. I want to lost about 35 more pounds and just work on my overall emotional health. I find it rather embarrassing to still feel sadness over L. I think the only remedy is time in this case. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. That’s the kind of person I have always been – an all or nothing. No middle ground. Maybe it’s time to build my middle ground bunker. But do people really find you when you’re ready? They kind of walk into your life unannounced.

So why do certain people come in and out of our lives? Ever meet someone, have an amazing time and then lose contact? I have a few times, some more memorable than others. I’ll spare the details to the general public, but I was quite taken aback to have crossed paths again with someone. And I’ll admit that I was overcome with the school girl giggles and butterflies. It felt nice. Now, I am not getting ahead of myself by any means, but it just kind of got my brain spinning and trying to put some things into perspective.

Is there a purpose for everything?

We meet so many people throughout our lifetime. Every day we encounter new faces. We will end up forgetting most of those people. You will most likely not remember the server you had at a restaurant or the young man who handed you your coffee. Memory of the driver who cut you off in traffic will fade away. But then there are some people, who will continue to cross your mind for years, even if for a fleeting moment… “I wonder how he is…?” You may have known them for a brief stitch of time or longer; either way, you could never forget the way that person smiled, or the sound of their laugh, or the way they made you feel. That memory of them, no matter how big or small, is so deeply rooted into your mind and/or heart, that sometimes even the smallest thing can trigger the thought of them.

Then by some form of chance, that person is brought back into your life and you have the opportunity to get to know them more.

A part of me wants to be super silly excited to be given the chance to get to know this person more, but at the same time I don’t want my excitement to come off as clingery. Is that a word? It is now. I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now. I’m trying to keep up super high walls and block out the world. This is not helping. I feel…excited. But my problem is that I self-sabotage situations by my over-excitement. It’s worse than a kid at Christmas. Like damn. Chill the fuck out. [March 2017 update: oh what a surprise, he was a player…and a shitty one at that. If you want to go out with other girls – say so. It’s not rocket science…]

I will thrown down the excuse card here. I’ve been hurt a lot through out my life. A lot is putting it lightly. So, when a good thing comes around there are 2 things that could possibly happen. Either I deny its existence and run for the hills or I pounce on it like a predator, suffocating it with my overthinking-much-excited self. *sigh* *rawr*

So now that I have completely thrown the feels out into the arena, I shall crawl back into my pillow fort (ok, its not a fort but more so a strategically placed pile of pillows…) and begin the next movie.

today

August 21, 2016

Jessica Mariella

Amateur Photographer. Nature Enthusiast. Traveler. Foodie. Green-eyed girl with a big heart from Aschaffenburg, Bavaria.

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