I have felt very…lost. I’ve been living life looking in my rear view mirror for the past few months. But I finally feel that I am breaking free from the shackles that had me bound in reverse. L just had to get a job a couple miles from my house. He just has to go to the park I frequent during his lunch breaks. I’d get heart palpitations every time I saw him. My gut would always sink around 10, because that was our time to talk on the phone. But for the first time in a long time, I don’t think of L. 10PM rolls by and I don’t break down. He had such an emotional hold over me. However, these past few weeks have been very liberating. L has had his daggers clenched onto me for almost 4 years, never allowing me to get over him.
We’d drift apart then come back together again. The cat and mouse game took a hold of me and I couldn’t find my way out of this labyrinth he created around me. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t get over him. I just wanted to fall out of love with him, once and for all. I know I wanted it to work, but it was obvious it wasn’t meant to be. While cleaning up my basement a week or so ago, I found my old journals. I read through them. The highs and lows of my previous relationships – it hit me. After my first ex I thought my life was over. I want to punch that version of me. Was I really that naive? *eye roll* I tried so, so hard to make things work with my ex-boyfriend too. But you know what? I survived. I got over it. I grew. Was it easy? Hell no. Failed relationships really take a toll on a person. It doesn’t matter if you are the dumper or dumpee. Relationships add layers, as well as take away pieces of ourselves; they change us in ways that are sometimes irreversible.
But people are meant to come and go into our lives for a reason. Either they’re meant to be tortured, I mean loved by us forever. Or they are simply around to teach us what we don’t want. When someone comes into your life with a spark and then by some miracle comes back into your life, then that is kind of special. Makes you really wonder how, why…. you suck at playing the lottery. You couldn’t find a lost sock if your life depended on it. But there is someone out there. Who knows…maybe you’ll meet in the most random of ways – grocery store, online game, maybe you’ll rear end them at a stop light. lol Kidding, don’t hit someone with your car!
If you are reading tonight’s entry and you are either stuck in a bad relationship or stuck in that weird post-relationship purgatory, know that you can overcome it. You can get through it. There is so much more to life than settling. Maybe you have history. That’s no reason to stay with someone. Don’t settle for mediocre love.
I am this huge hopeless romantic who looks forward to the day I can open up my heart to someone worthy, to dust off the cobwebs and unlock the 50 gagillion locks I have on it. I am very, very particular about who I give my body and my heart too. And you should be too. Unless that person makes your heart feel tingly and you forget how to speak English, maybe burp up some butterflies…. don’t settle. Wait for that spark.
Love is a special thing. I don’t think many people take it seriously. I do. And I look forward to experiencing a genuine love….
I could go on forever, but I am starting to crash…….THis was a busy weekend. I definitely did not get everything done that I needed to, but I put a dent in some projects. Saturday I slept in until almost noon and then decided I wanted to take a day trip to Baltimore. I was incredibly sore, because the night before I banged out 7 miles in Harrisburg after being punished for having beer and pizza for dinner, lol. Ugh, it was so painful. I had to mostly walk the last almost 2 miles. But I did it. Rawr. My goal is to be able to knock out 10 miles, with as little walk breaks as possible.
So Baltimore was a little painful. But I was able to see Edgar Allen Poe’s grave site. That was very, very cool. I only stayed for a few hours and then drove back. There was much waiting for me back home. I worked on my garden, cleaned up a lot in the basement, cleaned more in the garage, fixed my kitchen sink (it’s only been broken a year….), tackled laundry…. did some other items. But the point is….I was very busy. I’m so exhausted now. I have a pooped out kitten next to me and a tired doggy on the couch behind me. Started a Hart of Dixie marathon, but I won’t make it past disc 1.
I have been studying more Buddhism and am really in love with the 8-fold path. The 8-fold path is the 4th of the 4 noble truths (truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of the suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to the end of suffering).
BUddhism: the Eight FOld Path
1. Right View – Know the Truth
2. Right Speech – Say Nothing to Hurt Others
3. Right Concentration – Practice Meditation
4. Right Mindfulness – Control Your Thoughts
5. Right Effort – Resist Evil
6. Right Intention – Free your mind of Evil
7. Right Action – Work for the good of others
8. Right Livelihood – Respect Life
The 8-fold path is not meant to be linear. They are to be integrated in everyday life. I’m about highs and lows, and this helps take life on a more simple approach – to not get caught up in delusions and/or negative energy. I have some great things going on in my life right now and the last thing I need is to sabotage any of them with overthinking or any other negative energy. Buddhism is not about blind faith, but more about learning and promoting self-discovery. I’m still a Catholic on paper, but I enjoy reading about other introspective-type journeys. 🙂
There is a lot in Buddhism that correlates to how I live – to live with morals, be mindful and aware, and to develop understanding and wisdom. I’m all about higher learning. They also seem to be big into compassion and that is one of the founding pillars of my existence.
“What separates us from the animals, what separates us from the chaos, is our ability to mourn people we’ve never met” – DL Never Forget.