Insomnia, dear friend…how you taunt me. I haven’t written here in quite some time, with mostly good reason. I’ve been tossing and turning much of the night while trying to fall asleep to the sound of cheesy movies, but the world of sleep fails me. My thoughts overwhelm me.

I do have a revelation worth sharing… I am no longer in love with L. Mid-August I felt myself slipping back to the surface. However, considering the depth to which that man drug me into his world, I doubted ever reaching the surface.

But here I stand.

It’s silly to even think about remaining in love with someone who hurt you so badly. It’s not like you can just flip a switch though. You have to walk out the way you came. And with him, well, it was a poorly-lit labyrinth.

I harbor no ill-will toward you, L. I only wish you peace. I hope that one day you learn to be honest with not only others, but with yourself as well. I have not been with many men at all, but of everyone, you were shown the best part of me (so far). Both exes changed everything about me, but you got to see the real me. You didn’t deserve to know me that way. When you love someone, but it goes to waste…. This is me closing the door.

I’ve been beneath the surface so long that the fresh air is intoxicating. I feel so light-headed. Heart fluttering. An overwhelming sense of happiness. Smile stuck to my face.

And that’s the feeling I am trying not to let consume me. A man has captured my eye. He’s the blast from the past I wrote about previously. Great guy. But I am so excited at the idea of getting to know him again that I find myself stumbling… how often should I text? Should I send this? Do that? Does he want to get to know me? When will I see him again? Ugh, it’s driving me bonkers, lol. I just don’t want to self-sabotage. I don’t want to assume. I don’t want to run him off. Things would be so much easier if he were an asshole. Or broken. I’d know what to expect. But other than seemingly off/complicated timing, he’s a great person. I could be my complete self around him. That shit freaks me out just a little. I think that because everything is new that my anxiety is trying to be a little jerk.

I’m so used to having everything figured out, having the answers… the uncertainty, the unknown….not knowing the next move….I’ve spent much of my life in this flight/fight mode. I am so used to things going wrong for me, that when things feel right I feel out of my element.

I’m trying really hard though, promise. Who knows what the future brings. If he is romantically part of my future, I would be very happy. If he is not, then that would stink…but I cannot get caught up in things. Just let whatever happens…happen…on their own time. I feel like this is a mantra I have to keep saying to myself.

In other news, I have been off work for 3 weeks. I’ve done mostly nothing, other than socializing for the most part. I go back to work Tuesday. Today I decided I would rip up all of the carpet in my living room and start sanding my floor. Joy! I have a huge blister on the center of my palm. My garage is stuffed with all the items from my living room. I intend to finish my floor tomorrow. Sanding, and two layers of sealant? Yea, um… going to be a challenge. But it doesn’t hurt to set a goal.

Speaking of goals….I hired a personal trainer. He’s some young guy – 25. Very nice guy. We spend most of the time laughing – because I dislike all the hip thrusting. He had me doing these hip thrusts with a kettle bell and I just would rather not. lol. I’m so robotic. He said he was going to use my robotic hip thrust on the dance floor. hahaha. I’m getting better. I practice at home. He taught me a new way to do push-ups and my arms have never bent that way before! I don’t know if it’s harder or easier, but I do fancy the form more so than how I was doing them. My gym goals are a big butt, tight core and a bicep. He said, just one bicep? I said yes…I just need one to take a selfie – the other arm will be holding my phone to take the photo.

I’m rolling my eyes at myself.

Been going to the range. I LOVE shooting my PX4 Storm. It has more recoil than I anticipated. And the M16 and M4 are a LOT easier to shoot, than my 9m. I’ll need to practice more… oh darn, more time at the range.

My pole dancing is still slowly, very slowly improving. I’ve been getting tips from this other dancer in England. She’s been dancing a lot longer than I have, so of course her dancing is beautiful, fluid and seemingly effortless. She’s been a total doll in offering tips and advice. With my personal trainer, I am gaining upper body strength (finally) and am down 11-12 pounds since mid August.

So yea… lots of good things going on for me, as long as I don’t let anxiety get the best of me. It’s tough. I’m so, so used to things going wrong for me. It’s terrible to feel that way. But it’s the truth. Goals are to let things happen organically, don’t be a clinger, be myself and let life unfold. Sorry this entry was all over the place.


Jessica Mariella

Amateur Photographer. Nature Enthusiast. Traveler. Foodie. Green-eyed girl with a big heart from Aschaffenburg, Bavaria.