i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to be so complete
i could light a city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of us combined
could set it on fire
~rk

me-silver-hair

I am averaging about one post per month (not good). I will make an honest effort to spilling my feelings on this digital canvas, as well as incorporating my foodie adventures (I have had a LOT recently).

A lot has been going on, yet at the same time nothing much has happened. Makes perfect sense. Don’t question me. 🙂 I have been dabbling more into the metaphysical world. It’s been pulling me in a lot more lately, so rather than fight it I let myself in. Last night I tried hypnotizing myself for a past life regression but ended up putting myself to sleep. Hey, don’t knock it until you have tried it! I know it’s going to take me a solid month to get anything concrete. I was on a beach last night and that’s the last thing I remember. I went from being anxiety-ridden to …too relaxed. Oops.

There is something from a past life I need to resolve before I can move forward. FInding out what that is could end up like searching for a needle in a haystack. But it’s really cool. I know a lot of people feel like this kind of stuff is crap. But it’s possible. Lucid dreaming is by far my favorite. WHen you can control your dreams it’s a sense of power and freedom I cannot describe. It takes concentration on my part and I am not always successful, but the results have been a lot of fun. And I met a medium this past weekend who I connected with.

Anyway, I am sure I have a lot of you rolling your eyes at me right now. I am just fascinated about learning. Have you ever met someone and instantly connected? Or, maybe you just could NOT stand a person and didn’t exactly know why. Maybe some things come like second nature to you. Just a thought…

No mention of who has my heart, because I have it in safe keeping. There is a man who I feel will one day be worthy of my love, but I think building a friendship foundation is more appropriate at this time. I don’t want to. I’m impatient. My ass wants to dive in. In the mean time, I have been getting to know other people. I’m stubborn – I get set in my ways. Like I KNOW what I want, but am putting myself out there to ensure I am not just lonely, ya know? Even though I am not. I know exactly who and what I want in life. I think it’s a bad time in his life right now, honestly. But reconnecting with him after all these years just awakened something in me. A good thing. I don’t want to scare him with intensity and clingy behavior. So I will continue to lay low……

Sooo right now I am trapped in the doorway between him and the rest of the male populous. Forcing myself to go out there. I’ll admit I have met and am getting to know some cool people. I’m very monogamy-minded, so it’s overwhelming to talk to people. It’s nice company, but I am so, so afraid of leading someone on. But I don’t want to be presumptuous.

This is the shit I think about. I have too much depth sometimes. But I don’t want to surface. :-/

Topic change… I modeled for a photo shoot last week. It was AWESOME! It’ll be for a tattoo magazine. Details will be released when appropriate. I was so nervous when I learned that my photographer was a man. I get nervous about things like that just because of past experiences. However, I looked him up on social media and he seemed likeable and friendly from what I could see. Thank goodness when we met in person he was great. He had a lot of energy. I’m not a professional model by any means, so I felt awkward and insecure at first. I told him that I’m not good at posing or making the right face. He did have to direct me in the beginning. I think by the end of the shoot, I was learning the poses and expressions he was looking for. The third location was, by far, my favorite.

We went to the bridge on City Island. I had on a black tank top, black boy short panties, sky-high bright heels and tied my hair up with a red handkerchief like Rosie the Riveter. My tank had a chick working out on it, so I brought along a 25-lb weight and held it over my head while making the most fierce face I could. I felt SO LIBERATED. Here I am, in public, standing in my underwear, modeling. IT WAS AWESOME! As we were leaving, there just happened to be this graffiti piece of ROsie the Riveter. PERFECT! Ugh. I had no idea it was there, so it was that much more perfect. He took photos of me there. WHile doing so, this guy walked by and asked to take a photo of me next to the piece. SO that was kind of cool.

So anyway, I had a great time and would love to work with this photographer again. 🙂 Below is me after shooting.

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Ok, well my thoughts are all over the place tonight. I’ll leave you with a survey. G’night


Surveys…I find them therapeutic, for whatever reason…
1: Do you have a crush at the moment?
Well, crushes are kind of superficial. I like this person more than a “crush.”

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?
I don’t believe so. Love shouldn’t hurt so much if it’s truly …love

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?
5 1/2 years

4: Have you ever changed for someone?
Yep, never again.

5: How is your relationship with your ex?
We do not have one; he is not alive.

6: Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes, a lot.

7: Have you ever cheated?
No, never.

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating?
Not if the indiscretion was recent. If it was like years ago when they were young and dumb, I perchance could overlook it – and as long as it wasn’t a serial thing.

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?
Trust

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
Serious relationships for sure

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?
No

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?
I don’t kiss and tell.

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?
Showing him my rawest, most vulnerable self. He didn’t deserve to see that side of me.

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?
I don’t think there’s necessarily a right age, but if you wouldn’t be ready to have a baby, then don’t have sex. But obviously, no younger than the age of consent for where they live.

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?
Not entirely. If the person is underage then no.

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?
Not exactly. More like lust at first sight.

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?
Not fall in love, but it’s possible to start falling for someone. I’m willing to let the right person prove me wrong.

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?
If they talk badly about their parents, are condescending to people, cheat, lie, I could go on…

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?
You just know

20: Are you currently in a relationship?
No

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?
Depends

22: Do you think people should date their friends?
Yes and no. I’ve realized that I will be friends before dating someone. Relationships (longterm) are more than just sex. You need to be able to live with this person, ya know?

23: How many relationships have you had?
2 relationships, 3 “fuckships”

24: Do you think love can last forever?
Yes

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?
Yes. If not love, then pizza for sure

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?
Honestly, if my parents don’t approve of them then there’s a 99% chance I wouldn’t like him either, just saying

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?
Don’t settle.

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?
Yeah, but not forever…I’m selfish. I will want them to fall asleep next to me, wake up next to them, cuddle, kiss…. long distance is ok if you’ve just met and are getting to know one another. BUt for it to last…I cannot do long distance forever. When I meet someone worth getting to know, we’ll see 🙂

29: What do you notice first about another person?
Eyes

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?
Straight

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?
It depends, I guess. If the illness made them violent, then I couldn’t hang.

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?
Yes, both physically and emotionally.

33: Do you want to get married one day?
Yes

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed?
No

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?
This sounds horrible, but probably not. I am a very sexual person. If down the road they were in a bad accident and there were things preventing sex I would stay with them. HOwever, initially….no. Need that physical connection.

36: Are you still a virgin?
No

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?
Personality

38: Do you enjoy love films?
Yes

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?
Yes, but I couldn’t even tell you the last time I received flowers. It’s been at least 5 years……

40: Have you ever had a valentine?
Yes, whomever I was dating at the time

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?
It’s not really what you do, but rather who you’re with. I could sit in a bar and talk all night and it would be the most perfect night ever. It’s all about the company.

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?
Yep

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?
I don’t like racking and stacking people

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”?
Quite so

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?
Current? Nah. No one has caught my eye at the moment

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”?
Yes

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?
don’t care

48: What’s your favorite love song?
Too many

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Probably, but not to my knowledge

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?
The timing is not right. I know the kind of person I would like to give my heart to, but I’m not trying to rush. Just letting life unfold and going with the flow.

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?
Poor but a nice guy… or date the rich douchebag long enough to take all his money and give it to the animal shelters. ha!

52: Are you good at giving other people advice regarding dating/ relationships?
I guess. People continue to ask me

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?
I mean, maybe envious more so, ya know. I want to have someone to build with, someone to leave love notes for. I’m built for being with someone, so it’s hard not to be envious of people who have what you desire.

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)?
I’d like to, otherwise I’d get suspicious on why they don’t want to…

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?
Not anymore. Been there. Done that. Was miserable.

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship?
Not that I know of…

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?
It’s silly to consider suicide for ANY REASON.

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?
I like to be dominant in every aspect…except the bedroom, lol. I like to be in control, but can level the field with someone worthy. 😉 I like to show that I am a badass woman who can handle my own, but at the end of the day I secretly-but-not-so-secretly-since-I-am-writing-this would love for a man to open doors for me, and be that dominant man who looks out for me 🙂 I need a tall man too! lol

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?
No, but I really haven’t been with anyone long enough for that

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?
No. Just no.

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?
Again. Not racking and stacking people.

62: How do you define “cheating”?
ANYTHING THAT YOU HAVE TO HIDE FROM YOUR PARTNER IS CHEATING. ANYTHING.

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?
Nah. It doesn’t turn me on, but sometimes it’s good to get ideas.

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?
Mostly. I think it is SUPER commercialized. You and your SO should show each other love and affection all throughout the year. I’m one of those girls who doesn’t expect elaborate shit on Valentine’s Day. Write me a heartfelt note. Cuddle on the couch and watch Gladiator with me, lol. But seriously, people make a huge deal out of that day. The only reason I would make a big deal out of that day is if it was someone’s birthday.

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?
Yes. Very much.

November 21, 2016

Jessica Mariella

Amateur Photographer. Nature Enthusiast. Traveler. Foodie. Green-eyed girl with a big heart from Aschaffenburg, Bavaria.

1 Comment

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